Yay for F's on the Progress Report!

*giggle*

My oldest daughter, Audrey, has had a year of tremendous personal growth. (I believe that is the best way I can state it.)

Audrey decided when she was 12 to "try" living with her dad and stepmom, quite a different lifestyle than that which I've provided her, in many ways, especially financial. They both choose to work outside the home, and I've tried my hardest to avoid working outside the home/ away from my kids. (I laugh as I write this.)

I LOVE being a home-maker, and struggled for years working outside the home, first when Audrey was a year old as a law-firm receptionist, then at The Men's Wearhouse Corporate Offices, when I began real estate school. I worked on Galveston Island as leasing agent and apartment locator for about six months before choosing contract work as leasing consultant for various apartment properties.

I struggled until getting laid off in 2001 from work at a luxury property. I enjoyed and performed the responsibilities very well, but a change in management occurred as well as a conflict between my personality and one of the new supervisors'. I smile at remembering the lesson I learned from the owner who liked me - something about "principle is sometimes too expensive". Basically, they paid a lot of money for this new management firm and couldn't afford to defend me, even if they wanted to. It was juicy dramatic for sure! Lots of crying in my living room during lunch that last week, on the phone with the owner or another dear friend who was consoling me.

While shedding all those tears and feeling like this job that I loved was being ripped from my bloody fingers (yeah, sorry, that's the vision)... I noticed a brief part of a show on PBS. I heard the British accent of a female voice-over describing the scene of elephants walking an African savanna. The words I now remember her saying were "... and with every step of the elephant's foot, there is new life..." - referring to the pools of water that were left along the elephant's path. Powerful message for me still, and I am grateful for the chance to share it with you now.

The day my employment ended as leasing consultant for that luxury apartment property, I took a long drive south, about 50 miles I think. I discovered a small college and an elementary school directly across from it. I followed that spiritual instinct that I so often consider a "wild hair", and ended up with a full scholarship to sing with the college choir and the small jazz ensemble. If classes were not already meeting, they were that very week. I made it happen! I enrolled Audrey into 2nd grade at her new school, within the first week after her school began, and I attended morning classes. My little girl told me at the time "It's ok Mommy, you look like you're 18!" - I was at the time 30 years old, but feeling quite wonderful to have discovered a way to experience one of my dreams as a vocalist and ALSO be with my daughter most of the time! It was Heaven!

So, since then, I've been tenacious enough to find work that allows me to be physically present for my daughters (Audrey and Claire, born in 2004) but also allows me to provide for their basic needs. Providing for the luxuries and more "stuff" has never been my focus, although I've tried to imagine what my daughters and I are missing. I respect the choice others have made to work outside the home and provide for a more comfortable life than my daughters have had. I am focused on happiness - mine first, then my daughters', as the Oxygen Mask Theory suggests. I just look at society and wonder if people are really happy, doing what they love, being where they really want to be... I am inspired by a growing number of new friends who are re-evaluating this very idea. I am happy for myself and for all of you who are either being what you want to be, or are working towards it!

So, Audrey stayed living at her dad's house much longer than the three months I imagined. (yes, I can grin at this now...) The reason, so she shared, was this: "because I knew you would support my decision." I felt I provided her a solid foundation the first 12 years of her life and surely she was old enough to make such a decision. (still wincing at this one...) The physical distance turned to emotional distance, and the pain for me was almost unbearable at times. I worried incessantly, but I learned after three years that I had to stop reaching out for Audrey, then 15 years old. I let my daughter know I was there for her, but that she would have to let me know when, where and how she wanted me to be there. Within a month or two, we became closer... go figure! (smiling) Audrey met friends at her church while visiting me and decided to move in with Claire and me during the following summer break.

That was this past summer, 2009. Audrey has always enjoyed the more social aspects of school than the academics, and she attended alongside several friends she knew from her church, including one who had become her boyfriend. Since moving into my house, Audrey let Claire and me both know how stressed she was... in more than one way, and indeed, we let her and each other know about our stresses as well.

I share the above as an admission that I don't always smile, but my effort to regain joy for myself and for my daughters remains my focus. We all are human and struggle with emotional and physical pain. It is a fact. Life is not always easy. --- Somehow, to admit this clears away the idea that life should be easy. When I resist what simply IS, it seems more challenging for me to regain a sense of peace, and yes, joy. So, I try to accept the way I am and whatever is happening.

Included in Audrey's painful challenges this year was a week-long bout with the flu, perhaps Swine Flu (I can never remember the more politically correct term), I don't know. I attended a Landmark Education Forum, starting on Friday, September 11th, and when it ended for the weekend on Sunday, I discovered that Audrey had a low-grade fever. I was advised by more than one pharmacist that besides making certain she was well-rested and getting plenty of fluids, it was best not to medicate, as a fever is a sign that her body is working to heal itself. I didn't think it was necessary, but after her repeated requests, on Wednesday of the same week, I brought Audrey to get a prescription for flu symptoms. She also received a note in order to excuse the absences which had acrued over the week. Returning to school the following week was a challenge.

The following month, Audrey reconnected with old friends and decided to return to attend school with them. A break up with her boyfriend secured this decision for my dear teen... So, we made the decision to move in with family until I can save enough money to afford our own place again.

Audrey shared her Progress Report with me and was happier than I have seen her in a while. "Only 2 F's, Mom!" I loved also how she shared the pride from her History professor that she is making A's in his class although just being there a couple of weeks. I mostly love seeing how proud Audrey is of herself, not expecting perfection, but sharing how she can and will do better to bring the F's to passing grades. I love to see my darling daughter filled with such hope that she is being successful in school, despite it's challenges, despite her natural tendencies to distraction.

I am a proud mama!

(homeschooling Claire...)