Finding Balance

Silently screaming as my heart explodes in agony and frustration...

The time to smile most especially is during times like these!... in order to survive the moments and regain a sense of peace and joy and love.

Stressful morning, details I will spare you. Suffice it to say, raising a teenager is much more challenging than I ever imagined.

I have always bent over backwards to make my oldest daughter, Audrey, happy... and when I remind her of this, her response is "Yeah, that's your problem." - Why this surprised me, even this morning, I'm not sure. I guess I expect her to argue that I've been too tough on her, but she freely admits that I've been too easy. I try in vain to put my foot down as "any responsible parent" will do from time to time, and Audrey's *will* remains stronger than mine. Perhaps our greatest struggle is that she wants me to win an arguement, and I just want her to be happy, so I let her win.

Makes me laugh a little as I review it in my head.

I'm reminded of a conversation I shared with a handful of moms from the church several months ago. I was hired to babysit while they had a bible lesson upstairs. Somehow, a brief discussion began about the differences of parenting styles. I may have actually started it by saying how I've always tried to be Audrey's "friend". Ideas that were exchanged included how being a friend doesn't work, but I realized from the discussion that I'm not the only parent who struggles with being firm. I was reminded that it seems true that the adult children of "friend parents" end up being more strict with their children. The adult children of more strict, authoritarian-type parents raise their kids more as friends. - Conclusion I did not say aloud as the ladies were heading to their study: kids will eventually hate their parents anyway! - I really thought being Audrey's friend would prevent this, but I was wrong. Still, I can only be the parent I am. I can learn and adapt to a degree, but I really love being a friend to my kids. So I will continue on this path, perhaps learning how to set stronger boundaries of respectful behavior - but in my view, this is the same as being a friend.

Audrey fights with me often about how I don't make my youngest daughter, Claire, listen or obey me, but I'm much better at controlling my 6 yr old's behaviour than my 16 yr old's. Any amount of reminding Audrey about how her little sister is learning a lot of disrespect from HER is quickly ignored.

I know my teen loves me. I'm sure she feels a lot of guilt for how she occasionally treats me and I don't want this. I talk her to death probably just to make sure she hears someone in the universe telling her that she is good and strong (she may have several of these positive influences, I just try to remind her, just in case she doesn't hear it enough). Coming from me, her own mother may not be the information she trusts, since "mom's are supposed to think good of their kids", but I've tried to instill the idea that I am not like most moms, so I pray she will realize my opinion is more objective.

I still see most of the moments between Audrey and me as very positive. I am proud that she wants to be independent... not sure I should be, but I see it as a positive aspect of how I've raised her... through very difficult circumstances.

Audrey has many people in her life who have told her from very early ages that I am mentally ill and need medication. Her dad's family, my family of origin, and now one adult woman she is close to. I don't know how to counter this, but I try to remind Audrey of the truth. If I am mentally ill, it's only because every human being is, in some way or other. This is what I have struggled mostly with, for the past 16 years of Audrey's life... wrestling with the idea that "if 100 people say blue, and 1 person says white, reality must dictate that it's blue". - But this is so far from reality as I *know* it.

In this society, of Big Pharma controlling everything from the airwaves to a medical doctor's sense of moral judgement, there are so many perspectives that I know don't work for *me* and my family. I don't vaccinate Claire. She is never sick. Audrey was fully vaccinated, still suffers common ailments from time to time. One example I could choose of many. No offense intended to any of my friends who choose to vaccinate or follow society's norms in other ways. I truly appreciate the love of many friends who may disagree with me about such things. I don't pass judgement for what they decide is best for their families, and they don't pass judgement against me for my choices either. This is love. Freedom to disagree.

Even still, I hear the voices of society (no I'm not schizophrenic, it's an analogy) calling me to reconsider time and again. If *everyone* thinks I'm crazy, if *everyone* thinks "it's blue", then it must be. I fight hard to avoid believing the nonsense and remind myself and my daughters that I am healthy. I remind myself that I am emotional and passionate and hormonal in this 6th month of pregnancy, and that it's really ok. I am human! I focus on the positives, I know that I am blessed - "like with me?" Claire said yesterday. "Yes, like with you in my life, sweet Claire!"

I am blessed with the positive perspective to know how to maintain my good health. Staying as happy as I can, despite life's challenges. Smiling. Eating and sleeping well. Resting when I need to. Being with my children as often as possible. Singing. Playing. Loving. Writing.

Thank you for listening.