Last day in Houston for awhile... remembering to smile!

August, in Houston, 6 months pregnant and trying to control my stresses...

Sporatic fights between my 16 and 6 yr old daughters... sporatic fights *with* my beloved daughters... trying to rest, while having to organize and re-organize for perhaps the final of many moves from my mother's house in this Houston suburb. Providing a listening ear for my sister 3 yrs older than I am has been interesting... at times, more stressful than anything else I am currently facing, but knowing or at least hoping that she is benefitting from the conversations, or my listening and non-judgemental ear makes me feel better... exhausting though, I hate to say. Trying to balance what *I* need with caring for others is always the trick.

I said "goodbye" in actions, not in words, to a man I've loved since I met him in August 2008. Claire, my youngest, and I sang to him acapella the Eva Cassidy tune "Songbird"... and I have fantasized more than once, and dared him to let me sing it for him before one of his gigs... it hasn't happened yet, and I'm not sure it ever will. I'm at peace with this mystery, or if I will ever enjoy precious moments with this man again. He touched my soul like no other man has... and I wanted him, oh how I wanted what we shared to be real and long-lasting. I feel like our love for one another was real, but our expressions and communication differences were so confusing for one another, more frustration remained than any cozy feelings. I assume due to our distances, indeed since August 2008, his comfort level with seeing me was about once a week. I really needed him at least a little every day, but I tried to accept what he offered. The moments we shared were spectacular, most of the time... perhaps the silences and moments apart were just unbearable for me. I've tried to walk away time and again, indeed traveling to Hawaii after he extended a trip to Australia from 3 weeks to much longer... I don't remember exactly how long he was there, but we both returned to Austin in March and I learned I was pregnant with another man's child. Our relationship was never a solid committment, and so I feel no shame for this... only a bit of sadness that the man I loved did not love me enough to stomache the idea of raising another man's child. I was surprised since he seemed to love Claire so much, and even told Audrey, my teen, that she could talk to him anytime, about anything. But, I accepted his discomfort and tried to stay away... tried to stop hoping that his heart would change and he would be strong enough to love me and this unborn child. - I allowed a recent frustration to be the catalyst for my choosing to stay away. He happened to be traveling through my mom's small town and after proposing a "maybe" to meet, he apologized days later for missing us... even seeming to ignore the sweet voice message Claire left for him. I blocked him from seeing my facebook page and wrote a blog there titled "Sadness replaces love... for now". - The frustration included that he didn't tell me he was dating someone else... I learned from a third party. Indeed, when I called and texted to congratulate him or confirm the information, he refused to respond, as well *she*, an acquaintance of mine, refused to respond to my email of good wishes. - I guess I expected more of what I consider respect from them both.

And so, I decided to stop hoping... to prevent myself from hoping that this man will be different than he is. I sincerely wish him the best that life and love offers, and if has found it with her, I am happy!... I know the level of depth I offered him, and will offer any relationship, and so I am disappointed for what might have been. He still makes me feel like a school-girl! Indeed, the last time we met in person, I could hardly contain my excitement about my growing belly and a song Claire recorded on my iPhone that I let this man listen to before we parted ways. He doesn't intend to feed my hope for him with his sentiments of "Darlin" and "much love", but he does feed it. So, I feel the need to stop reaching out to him, and also, to stop responding when he reaches out to me. I've ignored 3 calls and 2 texts since making this decision... and strangely, it feels good to have the control. Please don't misunderstand me. It's not anything about hurting him, and if this has occurred, I am sorry about it. It's about controlling *myself* and my emotions when it comes to him, or rather, my idea of who he is and who I want so much for him to be in my life. I must get through these coming months without hoping that he will "ride to me on the white horse" and be there for me and my newborn, and Claire (Audrey's off with her friends most of the time, so ready for adulthood). I wanted to have this man's child... and we tried without success. Everything happens for a reason, this I know... and so God has allowed me to be in this place, once again pregnant and alone. Stronger and more capable than ever... just a little disappointed that I am not sharing these beautiful moments with a wonderful man. So, I share them with my daughters, and that makes me smile. :)

Back to organizing, loading or at least supervising the loading of our 8 beautiful rubber-maid boxes into my small SUV, and to finish cleaning the two rooms at my mother's so she will be surprised and not have to think about my belongings when she returns from a mission trip to Albania in a week.

I look forward to returning to Austin, where I have found so much more peace than in Houston and in this small suburb, in this house... beautiful to me still, despite the lack of maintenance and sadness in the walls - I can't seem to shake any of the memories, mostly not so great... perhaps I want to remember so that I know what not to repeat. Many, many lessons I have learned the hard way from a family I sense never learned how to really love. I am learning how to love from my children, as I try with every breath to show them how much love I have for them.