Finding Balance

Silently screaming as my heart explodes in agony and frustration...

The time to smile most especially is during times like these!... in order to survive the moments and regain a sense of peace and joy and love.

Stressful morning, details I will spare you. Suffice it to say, raising a teenager is much more challenging than I ever imagined.

I have always bent over backwards to make my oldest daughter, Audrey, happy... and when I remind her of this, her response is "Yeah, that's your problem." - Why this surprised me, even this morning, I'm not sure. I guess I expect her to argue that I've been too tough on her, but she freely admits that I've been too easy. I try in vain to put my foot down as "any responsible parent" will do from time to time, and Audrey's *will* remains stronger than mine. Perhaps our greatest struggle is that she wants me to win an arguement, and I just want her to be happy, so I let her win.

Makes me laugh a little as I review it in my head.

I'm reminded of a conversation I shared with a handful of moms from the church several months ago. I was hired to babysit while they had a bible lesson upstairs. Somehow, a brief discussion began about the differences of parenting styles. I may have actually started it by saying how I've always tried to be Audrey's "friend". Ideas that were exchanged included how being a friend doesn't work, but I realized from the discussion that I'm not the only parent who struggles with being firm. I was reminded that it seems true that the adult children of "friend parents" end up being more strict with their children. The adult children of more strict, authoritarian-type parents raise their kids more as friends. - Conclusion I did not say aloud as the ladies were heading to their study: kids will eventually hate their parents anyway! - I really thought being Audrey's friend would prevent this, but I was wrong. Still, I can only be the parent I am. I can learn and adapt to a degree, but I really love being a friend to my kids. So I will continue on this path, perhaps learning how to set stronger boundaries of respectful behavior - but in my view, this is the same as being a friend.

Audrey fights with me often about how I don't make my youngest daughter, Claire, listen or obey me, but I'm much better at controlling my 6 yr old's behaviour than my 16 yr old's. Any amount of reminding Audrey about how her little sister is learning a lot of disrespect from HER is quickly ignored.

I know my teen loves me. I'm sure she feels a lot of guilt for how she occasionally treats me and I don't want this. I talk her to death probably just to make sure she hears someone in the universe telling her that she is good and strong (she may have several of these positive influences, I just try to remind her, just in case she doesn't hear it enough). Coming from me, her own mother may not be the information she trusts, since "mom's are supposed to think good of their kids", but I've tried to instill the idea that I am not like most moms, so I pray she will realize my opinion is more objective.

I still see most of the moments between Audrey and me as very positive. I am proud that she wants to be independent... not sure I should be, but I see it as a positive aspect of how I've raised her... through very difficult circumstances.

Audrey has many people in her life who have told her from very early ages that I am mentally ill and need medication. Her dad's family, my family of origin, and now one adult woman she is close to. I don't know how to counter this, but I try to remind Audrey of the truth. If I am mentally ill, it's only because every human being is, in some way or other. This is what I have struggled mostly with, for the past 16 years of Audrey's life... wrestling with the idea that "if 100 people say blue, and 1 person says white, reality must dictate that it's blue". - But this is so far from reality as I *know* it.

In this society, of Big Pharma controlling everything from the airwaves to a medical doctor's sense of moral judgement, there are so many perspectives that I know don't work for *me* and my family. I don't vaccinate Claire. She is never sick. Audrey was fully vaccinated, still suffers common ailments from time to time. One example I could choose of many. No offense intended to any of my friends who choose to vaccinate or follow society's norms in other ways. I truly appreciate the love of many friends who may disagree with me about such things. I don't pass judgement for what they decide is best for their families, and they don't pass judgement against me for my choices either. This is love. Freedom to disagree.

Even still, I hear the voices of society (no I'm not schizophrenic, it's an analogy) calling me to reconsider time and again. If *everyone* thinks I'm crazy, if *everyone* thinks "it's blue", then it must be. I fight hard to avoid believing the nonsense and remind myself and my daughters that I am healthy. I remind myself that I am emotional and passionate and hormonal in this 6th month of pregnancy, and that it's really ok. I am human! I focus on the positives, I know that I am blessed - "like with me?" Claire said yesterday. "Yes, like with you in my life, sweet Claire!"

I am blessed with the positive perspective to know how to maintain my good health. Staying as happy as I can, despite life's challenges. Smiling. Eating and sleeping well. Resting when I need to. Being with my children as often as possible. Singing. Playing. Loving. Writing.

Thank you for listening.

Last day in Houston for awhile... remembering to smile!

August, in Houston, 6 months pregnant and trying to control my stresses...

Sporatic fights between my 16 and 6 yr old daughters... sporatic fights *with* my beloved daughters... trying to rest, while having to organize and re-organize for perhaps the final of many moves from my mother's house in this Houston suburb. Providing a listening ear for my sister 3 yrs older than I am has been interesting... at times, more stressful than anything else I am currently facing, but knowing or at least hoping that she is benefitting from the conversations, or my listening and non-judgemental ear makes me feel better... exhausting though, I hate to say. Trying to balance what *I* need with caring for others is always the trick.

I said "goodbye" in actions, not in words, to a man I've loved since I met him in August 2008. Claire, my youngest, and I sang to him acapella the Eva Cassidy tune "Songbird"... and I have fantasized more than once, and dared him to let me sing it for him before one of his gigs... it hasn't happened yet, and I'm not sure it ever will. I'm at peace with this mystery, or if I will ever enjoy precious moments with this man again. He touched my soul like no other man has... and I wanted him, oh how I wanted what we shared to be real and long-lasting. I feel like our love for one another was real, but our expressions and communication differences were so confusing for one another, more frustration remained than any cozy feelings. I assume due to our distances, indeed since August 2008, his comfort level with seeing me was about once a week. I really needed him at least a little every day, but I tried to accept what he offered. The moments we shared were spectacular, most of the time... perhaps the silences and moments apart were just unbearable for me. I've tried to walk away time and again, indeed traveling to Hawaii after he extended a trip to Australia from 3 weeks to much longer... I don't remember exactly how long he was there, but we both returned to Austin in March and I learned I was pregnant with another man's child. Our relationship was never a solid committment, and so I feel no shame for this... only a bit of sadness that the man I loved did not love me enough to stomache the idea of raising another man's child. I was surprised since he seemed to love Claire so much, and even told Audrey, my teen, that she could talk to him anytime, about anything. But, I accepted his discomfort and tried to stay away... tried to stop hoping that his heart would change and he would be strong enough to love me and this unborn child. - I allowed a recent frustration to be the catalyst for my choosing to stay away. He happened to be traveling through my mom's small town and after proposing a "maybe" to meet, he apologized days later for missing us... even seeming to ignore the sweet voice message Claire left for him. I blocked him from seeing my facebook page and wrote a blog there titled "Sadness replaces love... for now". - The frustration included that he didn't tell me he was dating someone else... I learned from a third party. Indeed, when I called and texted to congratulate him or confirm the information, he refused to respond, as well *she*, an acquaintance of mine, refused to respond to my email of good wishes. - I guess I expected more of what I consider respect from them both.

And so, I decided to stop hoping... to prevent myself from hoping that this man will be different than he is. I sincerely wish him the best that life and love offers, and if has found it with her, I am happy!... I know the level of depth I offered him, and will offer any relationship, and so I am disappointed for what might have been. He still makes me feel like a school-girl! Indeed, the last time we met in person, I could hardly contain my excitement about my growing belly and a song Claire recorded on my iPhone that I let this man listen to before we parted ways. He doesn't intend to feed my hope for him with his sentiments of "Darlin" and "much love", but he does feed it. So, I feel the need to stop reaching out to him, and also, to stop responding when he reaches out to me. I've ignored 3 calls and 2 texts since making this decision... and strangely, it feels good to have the control. Please don't misunderstand me. It's not anything about hurting him, and if this has occurred, I am sorry about it. It's about controlling *myself* and my emotions when it comes to him, or rather, my idea of who he is and who I want so much for him to be in my life. I must get through these coming months without hoping that he will "ride to me on the white horse" and be there for me and my newborn, and Claire (Audrey's off with her friends most of the time, so ready for adulthood). I wanted to have this man's child... and we tried without success. Everything happens for a reason, this I know... and so God has allowed me to be in this place, once again pregnant and alone. Stronger and more capable than ever... just a little disappointed that I am not sharing these beautiful moments with a wonderful man. So, I share them with my daughters, and that makes me smile. :)

Back to organizing, loading or at least supervising the loading of our 8 beautiful rubber-maid boxes into my small SUV, and to finish cleaning the two rooms at my mother's so she will be surprised and not have to think about my belongings when she returns from a mission trip to Albania in a week.

I look forward to returning to Austin, where I have found so much more peace than in Houston and in this small suburb, in this house... beautiful to me still, despite the lack of maintenance and sadness in the walls - I can't seem to shake any of the memories, mostly not so great... perhaps I want to remember so that I know what not to repeat. Many, many lessons I have learned the hard way from a family I sense never learned how to really love. I am learning how to love from my children, as I try with every breath to show them how much love I have for them.

Plans Always Seem to Change... Roll with It!

So, approximately a month after the date of my last blog post at the end of January, I conceived my third child.

Woooohooooooooo! :o)

Totally changes my perspective on the year and on certain plans I had for my family of 3 (Audrey, 16, Claire, 6 and myself). Perhaps "ideas" would be a better word choice, I don't usually make plans. The ideas always have something to do with "when I have the money...":

I'd love to bring Claire to DisneyWorld/ Land while she's young enough to really appreciate the magic of it all. I brought Audrey when she was nearly 10 (I was married to Claire's dad at the time, and I think she was conceived while we were in Florida!), and apparently Audrey had a lot of fun. She'll be 17 years old on September 17th this year, and as a "big" or "special" birthday, we've been discussing possibilities of a trip to New York City or somewhere else extravagant for several years.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some regret for what I do not provide for my children in the way of luxuries and ideally, vacations. When I reflect on the TIME I choose to spend with both my girls, as much as possible, I am secure in the choice I have made for myself and for them. I actually cannot stand to be away from my children for very long... and I see this as very normal, and very healthy, for ME. Indeed, I am healthy enough to remind myself that in time, my children will need more and more time to themselves and eventually move out and possibly live far away from me. Maintaining the strong bonds with my children has been my strongest prayer; not something I take for granted, and I feel very lucky that somehow we all really enjoy and respect one another, at a core level (we share superficial frustrations with one another). I can't say that I have many regrets, even for when I've made mistakes, since I learn quickly from them in order to grow as an individual, as a mother and in order for my children to grow emotionally strong enough to manage anything they may have to face with or without me.

So, I splurged on myself early in the year and took a two week trip to Hawaii. There was a possibility that I'd be meeting someone I met online, someone with whom I thought I shared a lot of core spiritual beliefs, but there was no guarantee. It was certainly "a wild hair", but I knew Hawaii would provide a beautiful getaway so I could refresh from certain stresses in my life at the time.

I connected quickly and closely with the father of my, as of yet, unborn child. We shared very few, magical moments, before quite mysteriously, he wanted distance. I accepted that we would not share a longer romantic relationship, and I was hoping for a friendship, especially after learning that I was pregnant. So far, since I left Hawaii in early March, my efforts to maintain the connection have been ignored.

Not how I planned to have another child... but I've been the single parent for Audrey and Claire since being pregnant with them both. I know I can handle it. It's just not what I wanted...

There is a sadness that I feel just now about this... quite subtle though. I only cried once about my situation, not in regret, but perhaps in surprise and knowing the challenges I'd be facing. That was in early April, I think... while lying in the bathtub, early morning... Claire was still asleep. Since that time, I tried very hard to make ends meet in Austin, without success.

I'm still struggling to figure it all out, knowing that Spirit/ God will guide my path. I am actually ok with being a bit blind to the specifics of my future, while knowing that God allows me to choose what I want. I've been a little tired and enjoying a bit of rest at my mother's in the Houston area before Claire and I move on, most likely to Taos, New Mexico. Audrey has chosen to stay at my mother's and finish highschool with and near many of her friends. - Travelling and experiencing life in other parts of this country and around the world is vital for me. This I know, and I am excited about how I will co-Create to make this happen.

I chuckle a bit at my undying sense of creativity - despite the challenges of being a single mother for Claire and the child we are expecting. I know, without a doubt!, that our lives will be full of joy and simple adventures. Peace is something I pray for as well. <3

Trusting God's Skill as Design Engineer

I was watching a Discovery Health show about birth with Audrey this morning, just a brief scene that caught our attention... a woman in an operating room, preparing for a cesarean delivery... The epidural was unsuccessful, so the woman was given anesthesia to sleep while they delivered her baby. I guess partly my attention was drawn because the drugs I received before Claire's emergency c-section didn't work for me, so I was put under. I felt so much internal, mental shock from the experience, I was glad for the break! (indeed, the natural health sides of my personality are kicking this one that accepted what happened and somehow trusted the process)

As Audrey and I watched the show, we were astonished at how long the delivery took. The voice over was saying that the baby was delivered breech, the cord was wrapped around his neck, and they were nicely surprised at how quickly he let out a big healthy cry.

I cried watching this birth. Not the usual tears of joy that fill my eyes at the miracle of birth, but because after so many years of watching shows like this I suddenly realized how painful birth MUST be for babies. - Surely, I've considered the idea before, but I couldn't remember. Audrey mentioned her assumption that babies cry at birth because the environment is so different than the cozy womb. I explained to her that a baby seems to endure intense pushing and squeezing in every area of his/her body, and that I am surprised at how many of us survived it! Audrey suggested that perhaps c-section would be less painful for the baby, and I agreed, but that birth should normally be a natural process.

A Spiritual thinker, it made me wonder about God's design of the human being. In my view, we come into this new world experiencing intense pain. Moments later, hopefully we are feeling a similar coziness of our former environment, laying in the fetal position, held by someone who loves us.

I have made no secret to those close to me that I would love to give birth to at least one more child. Yes, I feel selfish and unworthy, but it has remained a desire since I was pregnant with Claire, separated from her father and praying for the right man to enter my life.

After watching this show, I was filled with certain new ideas that if birth is so painful for the child, why should anymore be born? - Crazy, right? No, I am not jumping on board with the eugenics or anyone advocating population control (no offense to friends who may think along these lines - I don't know who you are, by the way.) - Instead, I turned spiritual, trusting God as Our Creator, to have known better than I, the reasons why birth must be painful.

I certainly could hear in my mind the notions of "Life is pain", "Life isn't fair", and others. I also understood the metaphors as worthy... if it's not a challenge, it's not usually attractive. Pain is always educational, and from this learning we can grow. So, I concluded that it was ok with me that God designed us to first experience pain, and then love. - Of course, the growing fetus can experience our physical loving even before birth, so my final conclusion is that birth is just part of the process that begins with Love, which is God.

As I was writing this note, I was trying to remember what comedians I've heard joking about the horrendous process of birth and so off to youtube I went. I was guided (thanks God!;) ) to a totally different video, one I've seen on a friend's page in months past, but I hadn't before now taken the time to really pay attention and actually watch the entire clip: it was an ABC interview about "orgasmic birth". The idea is still fresh for me, and I can understand how at first it may be offensive for some. I watched and listened with an open mind to understand better and ended up thanking God again, for how magically our female bodies are formed. Orgasm is possible during birth since the exact organs are being touched by the baby that are being touched during sexual intercourse. This occurred to me as a "Wow - I never thought of that before" and then "Duh". I was caught by tears of joy and praise for the loving husbands who kissed and massaged their wives during the process of labor.

Pain is perception. Medical experts usually use the term "uncomfortable", and we all can laugh. What I love learning about natural health is the idea of transforming our sensations of pain into something bearable, indeed even pleasurable, as an orgasmic birth is for many women.

Emotional pain can also be transformed by the spark of inspiration. I woke to an idea one night, several years ago, that everything is good, because what we consider to be bad always presents an opportunity for learning, growing or shifting our direction.

I look forward to more learning and practicing and eventually teaching yoga to others, as I find this a very healing artform for the human body, whether in a group or when we are alone. Breathing, stretching, massaging our own skin is so very important, and something I neglect too often.

If I am blessed with another pregnancy, I will remain aware of the spiritual connection I share with the life coming through me. As well, I will pray that the process of birth is not too painful for either of us. Being in the place of prayer always connects us to peace and God's love - which heals all wounds.

Namaste' my sweet friends.