Silently screaming as my heart explodes in agony and frustration...
The time to smile most especially is during times like these!... in order to survive the moments and regain a sense of peace and joy and love.
Stressful morning, details I will spare you. Suffice it to say, raising a teenager is much more challenging than I ever imagined.
I have always bent over backwards to make my oldest daughter, Audrey, happy... and when I remind her of this, her response is "Yeah, that's your problem." - Why this surprised me, even this morning, I'm not sure. I guess I expect her to argue that I've been too tough on her, but she freely admits that I've been too easy. I try in vain to put my foot down as "any responsible parent" will do from time to time, and Audrey's *will* remains stronger than mine. Perhaps our greatest struggle is that she wants me to win an arguement, and I just want her to be happy, so I let her win.
Makes me laugh a little as I review it in my head.
I'm reminded of a conversation I shared with a handful of moms from the church several months ago. I was hired to babysit while they had a bible lesson upstairs. Somehow, a brief discussion began about the differences of parenting styles. I may have actually started it by saying how I've always tried to be Audrey's "friend". Ideas that were exchanged included how being a friend doesn't work, but I realized from the discussion that I'm not the only parent who struggles with being firm. I was reminded that it seems true that the adult children of "friend parents" end up being more strict with their children. The adult children of more strict, authoritarian-type parents raise their kids more as friends. - Conclusion I did not say aloud as the ladies were heading to their study: kids will eventually hate their parents anyway! - I really thought being Audrey's friend would prevent this, but I was wrong. Still, I can only be the parent I am. I can learn and adapt to a degree, but I really love being a friend to my kids. So I will continue on this path, perhaps learning how to set stronger boundaries of respectful behavior - but in my view, this is the same as being a friend.
Audrey fights with me often about how I don't make my youngest daughter, Claire, listen or obey me, but I'm much better at controlling my 6 yr old's behaviour than my 16 yr old's. Any amount of reminding Audrey about how her little sister is learning a lot of disrespect from HER is quickly ignored.
I know my teen loves me. I'm sure she feels a lot of guilt for how she occasionally treats me and I don't want this. I talk her to death probably just to make sure she hears someone in the universe telling her that she is good and strong (she may have several of these positive influences, I just try to remind her, just in case she doesn't hear it enough). Coming from me, her own mother may not be the information she trusts, since "mom's are supposed to think good of their kids", but I've tried to instill the idea that I am not like most moms, so I pray she will realize my opinion is more objective.
I still see most of the moments between Audrey and me as very positive. I am proud that she wants to be independent... not sure I should be, but I see it as a positive aspect of how I've raised her... through very difficult circumstances.
Audrey has many people in her life who have told her from very early ages that I am mentally ill and need medication. Her dad's family, my family of origin, and now one adult woman she is close to. I don't know how to counter this, but I try to remind Audrey of the truth. If I am mentally ill, it's only because every human being is, in some way or other. This is what I have struggled mostly with, for the past 16 years of Audrey's life... wrestling with the idea that "if 100 people say blue, and 1 person says white, reality must dictate that it's blue". - But this is so far from reality as I *know* it.
In this society, of Big Pharma controlling everything from the airwaves to a medical doctor's sense of moral judgement, there are so many perspectives that I know don't work for *me* and my family. I don't vaccinate Claire. She is never sick. Audrey was fully vaccinated, still suffers common ailments from time to time. One example I could choose of many. No offense intended to any of my friends who choose to vaccinate or follow society's norms in other ways. I truly appreciate the love of many friends who may disagree with me about such things. I don't pass judgement for what they decide is best for their families, and they don't pass judgement against me for my choices either. This is love. Freedom to disagree.
Even still, I hear the voices of society (no I'm not schizophrenic, it's an analogy) calling me to reconsider time and again. If *everyone* thinks I'm crazy, if *everyone* thinks "it's blue", then it must be. I fight hard to avoid believing the nonsense and remind myself and my daughters that I am healthy. I remind myself that I am emotional and passionate and hormonal in this 6th month of pregnancy, and that it's really ok. I am human! I focus on the positives, I know that I am blessed - "like with me?" Claire said yesterday. "Yes, like with you in my life, sweet Claire!"
I am blessed with the positive perspective to know how to maintain my good health. Staying as happy as I can, despite life's challenges. Smiling. Eating and sleeping well. Resting when I need to. Being with my children as often as possible. Singing. Playing. Loving. Writing.
Thank you for listening.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Last day in Houston for awhile... remembering to smile!
August, in Houston, 6 months pregnant and trying to control my stresses...
Sporatic fights between my 16 and 6 yr old daughters... sporatic fights *with* my beloved daughters... trying to rest, while having to organize and re-organize for perhaps the final of many moves from my mother's house in this Houston suburb. Providing a listening ear for my sister 3 yrs older than I am has been interesting... at times, more stressful than anything else I am currently facing, but knowing or at least hoping that she is benefitting from the conversations, or my listening and non-judgemental ear makes me feel better... exhausting though, I hate to say. Trying to balance what *I* need with caring for others is always the trick.
I said "goodbye" in actions, not in words, to a man I've loved since I met him in August 2008. Claire, my youngest, and I sang to him acapella the Eva Cassidy tune "Songbird"... and I have fantasized more than once, and dared him to let me sing it for him before one of his gigs... it hasn't happened yet, and I'm not sure it ever will. I'm at peace with this mystery, or if I will ever enjoy precious moments with this man again. He touched my soul like no other man has... and I wanted him, oh how I wanted what we shared to be real and long-lasting. I feel like our love for one another was real, but our expressions and communication differences were so confusing for one another, more frustration remained than any cozy feelings. I assume due to our distances, indeed since August 2008, his comfort level with seeing me was about once a week. I really needed him at least a little every day, but I tried to accept what he offered. The moments we shared were spectacular, most of the time... perhaps the silences and moments apart were just unbearable for me. I've tried to walk away time and again, indeed traveling to Hawaii after he extended a trip to Australia from 3 weeks to much longer... I don't remember exactly how long he was there, but we both returned to Austin in March and I learned I was pregnant with another man's child. Our relationship was never a solid committment, and so I feel no shame for this... only a bit of sadness that the man I loved did not love me enough to stomache the idea of raising another man's child. I was surprised since he seemed to love Claire so much, and even told Audrey, my teen, that she could talk to him anytime, about anything. But, I accepted his discomfort and tried to stay away... tried to stop hoping that his heart would change and he would be strong enough to love me and this unborn child. - I allowed a recent frustration to be the catalyst for my choosing to stay away. He happened to be traveling through my mom's small town and after proposing a "maybe" to meet, he apologized days later for missing us... even seeming to ignore the sweet voice message Claire left for him. I blocked him from seeing my facebook page and wrote a blog there titled "Sadness replaces love... for now". - The frustration included that he didn't tell me he was dating someone else... I learned from a third party. Indeed, when I called and texted to congratulate him or confirm the information, he refused to respond, as well *she*, an acquaintance of mine, refused to respond to my email of good wishes. - I guess I expected more of what I consider respect from them both.
And so, I decided to stop hoping... to prevent myself from hoping that this man will be different than he is. I sincerely wish him the best that life and love offers, and if has found it with her, I am happy!... I know the level of depth I offered him, and will offer any relationship, and so I am disappointed for what might have been. He still makes me feel like a school-girl! Indeed, the last time we met in person, I could hardly contain my excitement about my growing belly and a song Claire recorded on my iPhone that I let this man listen to before we parted ways. He doesn't intend to feed my hope for him with his sentiments of "Darlin" and "much love", but he does feed it. So, I feel the need to stop reaching out to him, and also, to stop responding when he reaches out to me. I've ignored 3 calls and 2 texts since making this decision... and strangely, it feels good to have the control. Please don't misunderstand me. It's not anything about hurting him, and if this has occurred, I am sorry about it. It's about controlling *myself* and my emotions when it comes to him, or rather, my idea of who he is and who I want so much for him to be in my life. I must get through these coming months without hoping that he will "ride to me on the white horse" and be there for me and my newborn, and Claire (Audrey's off with her friends most of the time, so ready for adulthood). I wanted to have this man's child... and we tried without success. Everything happens for a reason, this I know... and so God has allowed me to be in this place, once again pregnant and alone. Stronger and more capable than ever... just a little disappointed that I am not sharing these beautiful moments with a wonderful man. So, I share them with my daughters, and that makes me smile. :)
Back to organizing, loading or at least supervising the loading of our 8 beautiful rubber-maid boxes into my small SUV, and to finish cleaning the two rooms at my mother's so she will be surprised and not have to think about my belongings when she returns from a mission trip to Albania in a week.
I look forward to returning to Austin, where I have found so much more peace than in Houston and in this small suburb, in this house... beautiful to me still, despite the lack of maintenance and sadness in the walls - I can't seem to shake any of the memories, mostly not so great... perhaps I want to remember so that I know what not to repeat. Many, many lessons I have learned the hard way from a family I sense never learned how to really love. I am learning how to love from my children, as I try with every breath to show them how much love I have for them.
Sporatic fights between my 16 and 6 yr old daughters... sporatic fights *with* my beloved daughters... trying to rest, while having to organize and re-organize for perhaps the final of many moves from my mother's house in this Houston suburb. Providing a listening ear for my sister 3 yrs older than I am has been interesting... at times, more stressful than anything else I am currently facing, but knowing or at least hoping that she is benefitting from the conversations, or my listening and non-judgemental ear makes me feel better... exhausting though, I hate to say. Trying to balance what *I* need with caring for others is always the trick.
I said "goodbye" in actions, not in words, to a man I've loved since I met him in August 2008. Claire, my youngest, and I sang to him acapella the Eva Cassidy tune "Songbird"... and I have fantasized more than once, and dared him to let me sing it for him before one of his gigs... it hasn't happened yet, and I'm not sure it ever will. I'm at peace with this mystery, or if I will ever enjoy precious moments with this man again. He touched my soul like no other man has... and I wanted him, oh how I wanted what we shared to be real and long-lasting. I feel like our love for one another was real, but our expressions and communication differences were so confusing for one another, more frustration remained than any cozy feelings. I assume due to our distances, indeed since August 2008, his comfort level with seeing me was about once a week. I really needed him at least a little every day, but I tried to accept what he offered. The moments we shared were spectacular, most of the time... perhaps the silences and moments apart were just unbearable for me. I've tried to walk away time and again, indeed traveling to Hawaii after he extended a trip to Australia from 3 weeks to much longer... I don't remember exactly how long he was there, but we both returned to Austin in March and I learned I was pregnant with another man's child. Our relationship was never a solid committment, and so I feel no shame for this... only a bit of sadness that the man I loved did not love me enough to stomache the idea of raising another man's child. I was surprised since he seemed to love Claire so much, and even told Audrey, my teen, that she could talk to him anytime, about anything. But, I accepted his discomfort and tried to stay away... tried to stop hoping that his heart would change and he would be strong enough to love me and this unborn child. - I allowed a recent frustration to be the catalyst for my choosing to stay away. He happened to be traveling through my mom's small town and after proposing a "maybe" to meet, he apologized days later for missing us... even seeming to ignore the sweet voice message Claire left for him. I blocked him from seeing my facebook page and wrote a blog there titled "Sadness replaces love... for now". - The frustration included that he didn't tell me he was dating someone else... I learned from a third party. Indeed, when I called and texted to congratulate him or confirm the information, he refused to respond, as well *she*, an acquaintance of mine, refused to respond to my email of good wishes. - I guess I expected more of what I consider respect from them both.
And so, I decided to stop hoping... to prevent myself from hoping that this man will be different than he is. I sincerely wish him the best that life and love offers, and if has found it with her, I am happy!... I know the level of depth I offered him, and will offer any relationship, and so I am disappointed for what might have been. He still makes me feel like a school-girl! Indeed, the last time we met in person, I could hardly contain my excitement about my growing belly and a song Claire recorded on my iPhone that I let this man listen to before we parted ways. He doesn't intend to feed my hope for him with his sentiments of "Darlin" and "much love", but he does feed it. So, I feel the need to stop reaching out to him, and also, to stop responding when he reaches out to me. I've ignored 3 calls and 2 texts since making this decision... and strangely, it feels good to have the control. Please don't misunderstand me. It's not anything about hurting him, and if this has occurred, I am sorry about it. It's about controlling *myself* and my emotions when it comes to him, or rather, my idea of who he is and who I want so much for him to be in my life. I must get through these coming months without hoping that he will "ride to me on the white horse" and be there for me and my newborn, and Claire (Audrey's off with her friends most of the time, so ready for adulthood). I wanted to have this man's child... and we tried without success. Everything happens for a reason, this I know... and so God has allowed me to be in this place, once again pregnant and alone. Stronger and more capable than ever... just a little disappointed that I am not sharing these beautiful moments with a wonderful man. So, I share them with my daughters, and that makes me smile. :)
Back to organizing, loading or at least supervising the loading of our 8 beautiful rubber-maid boxes into my small SUV, and to finish cleaning the two rooms at my mother's so she will be surprised and not have to think about my belongings when she returns from a mission trip to Albania in a week.
I look forward to returning to Austin, where I have found so much more peace than in Houston and in this small suburb, in this house... beautiful to me still, despite the lack of maintenance and sadness in the walls - I can't seem to shake any of the memories, mostly not so great... perhaps I want to remember so that I know what not to repeat. Many, many lessons I have learned the hard way from a family I sense never learned how to really love. I am learning how to love from my children, as I try with every breath to show them how much love I have for them.
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