Plans Always Seem to Change... Roll with It!

So, approximately a month after the date of my last blog post at the end of January, I conceived my third child.

Woooohooooooooo! :o)

Totally changes my perspective on the year and on certain plans I had for my family of 3 (Audrey, 16, Claire, 6 and myself). Perhaps "ideas" would be a better word choice, I don't usually make plans. The ideas always have something to do with "when I have the money...":

I'd love to bring Claire to DisneyWorld/ Land while she's young enough to really appreciate the magic of it all. I brought Audrey when she was nearly 10 (I was married to Claire's dad at the time, and I think she was conceived while we were in Florida!), and apparently Audrey had a lot of fun. She'll be 17 years old on September 17th this year, and as a "big" or "special" birthday, we've been discussing possibilities of a trip to New York City or somewhere else extravagant for several years.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some regret for what I do not provide for my children in the way of luxuries and ideally, vacations. When I reflect on the TIME I choose to spend with both my girls, as much as possible, I am secure in the choice I have made for myself and for them. I actually cannot stand to be away from my children for very long... and I see this as very normal, and very healthy, for ME. Indeed, I am healthy enough to remind myself that in time, my children will need more and more time to themselves and eventually move out and possibly live far away from me. Maintaining the strong bonds with my children has been my strongest prayer; not something I take for granted, and I feel very lucky that somehow we all really enjoy and respect one another, at a core level (we share superficial frustrations with one another). I can't say that I have many regrets, even for when I've made mistakes, since I learn quickly from them in order to grow as an individual, as a mother and in order for my children to grow emotionally strong enough to manage anything they may have to face with or without me.

So, I splurged on myself early in the year and took a two week trip to Hawaii. There was a possibility that I'd be meeting someone I met online, someone with whom I thought I shared a lot of core spiritual beliefs, but there was no guarantee. It was certainly "a wild hair", but I knew Hawaii would provide a beautiful getaway so I could refresh from certain stresses in my life at the time.

I connected quickly and closely with the father of my, as of yet, unborn child. We shared very few, magical moments, before quite mysteriously, he wanted distance. I accepted that we would not share a longer romantic relationship, and I was hoping for a friendship, especially after learning that I was pregnant. So far, since I left Hawaii in early March, my efforts to maintain the connection have been ignored.

Not how I planned to have another child... but I've been the single parent for Audrey and Claire since being pregnant with them both. I know I can handle it. It's just not what I wanted...

There is a sadness that I feel just now about this... quite subtle though. I only cried once about my situation, not in regret, but perhaps in surprise and knowing the challenges I'd be facing. That was in early April, I think... while lying in the bathtub, early morning... Claire was still asleep. Since that time, I tried very hard to make ends meet in Austin, without success.

I'm still struggling to figure it all out, knowing that Spirit/ God will guide my path. I am actually ok with being a bit blind to the specifics of my future, while knowing that God allows me to choose what I want. I've been a little tired and enjoying a bit of rest at my mother's in the Houston area before Claire and I move on, most likely to Taos, New Mexico. Audrey has chosen to stay at my mother's and finish highschool with and near many of her friends. - Travelling and experiencing life in other parts of this country and around the world is vital for me. This I know, and I am excited about how I will co-Create to make this happen.

I chuckle a bit at my undying sense of creativity - despite the challenges of being a single mother for Claire and the child we are expecting. I know, without a doubt!, that our lives will be full of joy and simple adventures. Peace is something I pray for as well. <3